The Legendary Holy Sword
by Oh I wish I were a bird
Summary: Excalibur meets Ed, Envy, Roy and Riza. Poor Envy... Rated T for a brief mention of Playboy. Crackfic of absolute nonsense. FMA chapters 94-95/episodes 53-54 spoilers.


**Based on a weird dream and an also weird conversation I had with my friend and fellow FMA-tard on msn. XD**

**Wrote this half a month ago... or more.**

**Reading FMA chapter 107 and Soul Eater chapter 74 on the same day must have inspired my dream, I guess.**

**Maaan they should've just used Excalibur to kill the bad guys... They wouldn't have to go through all this trouble.**

**(who cried when reading FMA 107?)**

**This has major spoilers for chapters 94-95 or FMA:B episodes 53-54, so if you haven't read/watched them don't say I didn't warn you.

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"Are you guys retarded?" complained Envy. "Now you're just sugarcoating your words? Are you playing a game of 'let's be humane'? You're making my skin crawl... Are you humans really that extravagant? Just do what your instincts tell you!"

Just before he was about to say something else, a white... thing... with a top-hat and a weird shirt that was holding a white cane interrupted him.

"FOOL!"

Roy blinked.

Riza just stared at that... thing.

Envy was quite confused, too.

"What the hell is that?" Ed asked.

"FOOL!" repeated the 'thing' and pointed its cane at Ed's face. "I am The Legendary Holy Sword, Excalibur!"

"...Exca-"

"Who are you, then?"

"Wha-"

"My legend begins in the 12th century! You are an alchemist, judging from the looks of you. Where do you hail from?"

Ed was so stupified, he dropped Envy.

"Don't shove that cave into my face!"

"He's from Risemboo-" Roy sai... Roy tried to say.

"I see~ I have something interesting to show you."

_'Don't ask questions if you're not going to listen...' _thought Ed.

_'If you're going to wear clothes, at least put some pants on...' _thought Envy.

"Would you like to hear about my legend~?" Excalibur asked while pointing his cane at Ed's face, again.

"You wish to know my epic tale?"

"Move that cane, bastard..."

"Where do you hail from?"

"He said 'Risembool'!"

"What's your favourite number, between 1 and 12?"

"One to twelve? Uhm... I guess it's-"

"FOOL! You have no right to choose! My legend begins in the 12th century."

"You said to pick which one we liked!"

"You wish to know my legend?" he pointed at Ed's face, once again.

Ed got one of these red 'anger vains' you often see in anime.

"My legend begins in the 12th century... I begin every morning with a cup of coffee."

Then he got in British accent mode.

"I continue the day with afternoon tea. And at night..."

"Let me guess, beer? That would fit a geezer like you." said Envy. (Ed wuz lyk "wtf you aktly talkd?")

"FOOL! It should be obvious that I begin my nights by changing into pyjamas!"

(He has very manly pyjamas. It's a pink long-sleeved shirt and a pink imitation of Santa's hat.)

"This has nothing to do with your legend." said Ed. "And at night-"

"FOOL! Do you know of my hat?"

Roy was like "Huh?".

"I said, do you know of my hat?"

"I know it's made of silk."

"Fools! Since you don't know, I'll inform you. The longer the tophat, the greater!"

"In other words," said Ed, "you think a lot of your-"

"FOOLS! I said tophat!"

"You're insane, you know that?" screamed Envy in absolute depsair.

"Hmm~ I knew this would confuse yokels like you.

"ANNOYING! TOO FREAKING ANNOYING!"

Man, Envy was starting to snap.

"HOW IS THIS A LEGENDARY HOLY SWORD, AS IT CLAIMS?"

Ed suddenly remembered of a book he read when studying alchemy with Al. (Hoho had quite a variety of books. He even had some erotica and some Playboy magaz- ... ... ehm... let's continue with the story shall we..."

"Wait, I remember reading a book about Excalibur... Who wrote it again..."

"No autographs." said Excalibur in a oh-so-modest (just kiddin') way.

"_You_ wrote it?"

"If you want to be my new masters, I will require you to follow my 1.000 tasks. I absolutely need you to participate in number 452, my five-hour long storytime."

He then started singing.

"Excalibuuuuuur~"

It was Roy's turn to get an 'anger vain'.

"Excalibuuuuuur~"

Now Riza's.

"Frrrom the United Kin'~"

Ed got some purple lines close to his head.

"IIII'm looking for him~"

Envy got 5 (yes, five.) 'anger vains'. And purple lines. And half of his face was blue.

"I'm going to Caligorniaaaaa~"

"SHUT UP!" Envy screamed loudly, crying some very very manly tears. Then he (insert an epic description of a long long rant here.) Finally, he calmed down a bit.

Still crying though.

"I can't believe that the only person to ever annoy me that much is not even a person"... he said and put his arms/legs (all 8 of 'em.) in his mouth.

_'Is he some sort of bulimic?'_ Ed thought, but said nothing.

Then, he pulled out his sparkly Philosopher's Stone, looked at it and broke it. It just, like, spilled on the floor! It looked like strawberry juice!

Ed gasped.

Envy then started to turn into dust- a cheap imitation of this is your mum's/dad's cigarettes.

"Die-die... Weird... white thing..." was the last thing he said before dissapearing.

Ed just stood there and looked at the dusk floating in the air. So did Riza.

"So he took his own life..." said Roy, while his hand was covering his eyes. (the dust might've gotten in if he didn't) "What a lucky guy."

And, after spending 2 days of listening Excalibur talk about his legend and the 1.000 tasks they must follow to use him as their weapon, they realised Envy was_ indeed _a lucky guy.

Oh how they wished they could dissapear like that too.

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**Don't question my train of thought.**


End file.
